First off – thank you everyone for your reading of and commenting on the blog. I’ve never kept a blog and didn’t realize how much of a positive impact that supportive comments would have on me and my family. Reading all the generous and kind responses is very uplifting and helps keep everyone a little happier. So again, thank you.
No major medical updates today. I had my PET/CT scan Thursday to determine if the tumor has spread to other tissues, but won’t know the results until Monday. I spent part of yesterday shopping online for new accessories for the house – hand rails for the toilet, a shower chair, and materials for a wheelchair accessible ramp that Jenn’s godparents are graciously building for us – yet another realization that changes are imminent. Shower chair? Really? In another gracious example of folks helping where they can, Jenn’s godparents and their daughter and new husband, Jimmy, an architect, spent the weekend with us so they could help accessorize the house to allow me more mobility following surgery. Quickly realizing that dignified and civilized body maintenance is soon to be suppressed, I showed Jimmy how I would take a shower, sit on the toilet (smartphone in hand of course), and shave (not on the toilet) so he could assess what would be necessary for one-legged progress in just getting ready for work. Somehow it made the day a little more real.
The amputation will most likely happen on Wednesday. Jenn and I are meeting with my oncologist on Monday to make the final decision but based on what we know now, it’s already made. Even if the PET/CT scan comes back with metastasis, amputating the leg will probably happen before chemo rounds. I think we can all agree that an amputation is one of the more disrupting experiences in life. It’s troublesome to a family. Learning to walk again will take a long time. I wasn’t very good at it to begin with! And even after a prosthetic is in place, there will be instances when I won’t have it available and crutches or a walker will probably be my alternate mode of transportation.
While the ability to choose to have an amputation rather than waking up unknowingly to one is fortunate, it does add to the surrealism of the whole experience – but in a positive sense. I have tried to imagine what to expect on the day of surgery. I’m sure it will be similar to my biopsy surgery. Arrive and check in, put on the paper papal robes, sit with Jenn, answer my name, birthday and what procedure I’m having done from several medical staff (one of the better inconveniences though; I’d rather repeat myself a few times than wake up with buttock implants….I wonder if Tricare covers those?), be wheeled into the operating room and go to sleep. Then wake up. For me, it will be like time travel. I’ll go to sleep and wake up oblivious to any passage of time. Of course, unfortunately it won’t be so quick for my family. If all goes as planned, I’ll wake up missing a significant portion of my body – one that I’ve grown accustomed to over the last 41 years. And I’ll do a little more research but I’m pretty sure it won’t grow back.
While we all hope that amputation and follow on chemo will eliminate the tumor and will bring some closure, the reality is that the cancer vulture will be ever present in our lives. Metastasis is always looming. When (if it does) will it rear its ugly head? 5 months, 5 years, never?
I’m sure folks who have been through it either themselves or with loved ones realize that cancer is a one two punch. You don’t get to just mourn the loss of a limb or organ, which itself is a big deal. Like a criminal who got away with a crime, you are constantly looking over your shoulder. I’m losing a leg for crying out loud! Countless other courageous patients lose major organs or other body parts and that’s not enough sacrifice? What a bunch of hooey! How do I get my money back on this whole cancer thing? I’m quickly learning how this leads to living with it, or rather, embracing it. While not my choice, it’s now a part of my life. Even with a clean bill of health, who knows what sinister cells are simmering just waiting to slowly divide and start proliferating. Prior to the diagnosis, I had deliberately begun to change my mindset of the world. I was learning to live in the moment and not fear the future or dwell on past mistakes. Now, after the introduction of cancer to the Lindsey family, what matters is this moment – enjoying the color changes of the leaves, the laughter of my children, my wife drying her hair. And most everything that was once annoying and inconvenient becomes beautiful and real. While maintaining the understanding that I’m going to vigilantly fight my cancer with violent aggression, I still have room for a somewhat cliché, but life-changing paradigm shift: can today be my last day and I have no regrets? It will sometimes be difficult to sustain this worldview, but it’s necessary.
Once we hear the results on Monday, I’ll post an update. Thanks everyone for reading!
Hunter
It's Not a Sprint 
How is it that you manage to make us laugh during a truly difficult time? Wow! Your writing is beautiful, candid, and eloquent. I guess human thoughts and emotions are all so similar. When we say “you’re in our thoughts” or “our thoughts are with you” , everything you’ve written clarifies the “thoughts” and really makes it feel like we’re going through the journey with you! Jenn says you’ve always been a funny guy. You are an amazing person to have the humor that you do and really utilize it in your situation. Humor is an essential ingredient in life; one that you obviously have down pat! So, in the spirit of humor (one I’m not too good at) I say to you my friend on Wednesday – break a leg – da da dum – crshhh! – (insert crashing cymbal). I know, I know, if this were the Gong Show I’d get gonged AND boo’d!!! That’s all I got! Stay well in mind and spirit!! Thanks for the update. We’ll be praying for you in church tomorrow. Hugs to all!!
Thanks Audrey! Now that’s a good one. I might steal it to tell the doc on Wednesday!
Your blog is a gift to all of us. Thank you for sharing your thoughts so we can begin to understand. Your attitude is contagious. Thinking good thoughts and remembering days gone by with a smile.
Thanks Amy. I often think about those times as well.
Hunter, you and I met at St.Matthias’ over a year ago while your were visiting Robin here in Toccoa. Speaking of your sister, I told her this morning that I “hear” similar “voices” in your writing…just little nuances that remind me of how she might relate an experience…DNA:-) You are both gifted with the “pen”!
One image I would like to share… “ripples on a still pond”…. your blog has already been inspirational to me as I am sure it will be to countless others. Your insights, your perspective, your courage will create an impact in other’s journeys; some will be known to you, but many of these “ripples” will be unknowns, but nevertheless, vital to someone and their own story, or their own particular battle.
I am fairly certain that you wouldn’t have chosen this path to impact others’ lives, but speaking as a nurse of 36 years, I have been the recipient of many “ripples” of hope and love from countless patients and their families. Thank you for your openess and willingness to share and know that prayers are streaming for you, Jenn, and those beautiful sons!
Peace and Good Will to you,
Dee
Thanks Dee. Your explanation is succinct and clear. It’s comforting knowing my words may help some folks unknowingly. Expressing them here and receiving notes such as yours is very therapeutic. I appreciate the prayers.
Wow! Hunter your words are amazing and inspirational. One of the blessings in life is to learn from others. I appreciate you sharing your challenges and your outlook on life as you go through this process. You are truly a gifted writer, and you are able to touch many avenues of life. As a friend of your parents, your words have to make them pleased and proud of you as their son. Continue to gain strength from your wife, sons, family, friends, and others as you trust in the Lord to be with you through this difficult time.
You and your family are in my heart,
Mary Peterson
Thank you Mary. You hit the nail on the head about gaining strength from family and friends. We have a long way to go, but I can already see how my boys are going to be a source for maintaining our priorities throughout. Watching and listening to them keeps us grounded.
Hunter you are an inspiration to us all. Thank you very much for sharing your blog, Our prayers are with you, Jenn and the boys.
Love to all
Thank you Deb / Dan. Jenn mentioned you went through something similar? I hope everyone is healthy now.
Hey, Hunter! You continue to amaze me with the depth of your insight, courage, and willingness to share such intimate thoughts. You, too, have a gift with words – just like your sister. I am so thankful that we have become friends! Journeying with you all the way. Prayers and hugs!
Thanks Steph! Look forward to seeing you in the near future.
Our thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family. Good luck this week. I’m sure you’ll come through this standing tall.
Bob and Lorri
Thanks Bob. Not sure if you meant it, but that was a good pun!
The Brewers are keeping you in their thoughts and prayers. I am amazed by your positive spirit in this process.
Thanks V.
Hunter you are an inspiration to us all! I hope I never face what you are dealing with, but if I had to I could only hope I could do it with such dignity, and a sense of humor. You are an amazing person and you deserve another 40+ years. I hope the news on Monday is as good as it can be.
Hailey A. Clancy LTC, LG Assistant Professor Department of Chemistry & Life Science United States Military Academy West Point, NY 10996 office: (845) 938-3801
Thanks Hailey!
Hey Hunter. I just heard about all of this, and I am truly sorry that you have to go through so much. However, you have NOT disappointed with your upbeat and hilarious attitude!!! You are an inspiration to everyone who reads this blog…don’t ever forget that! I still think about you all the time…you haven’t changed a bit! Could you just maybe AGE A LITTLE??!!! You are in my prayers. I know that The Lord is sovereign, and none of this is an accident. I know you are strong, and you will come out just fine. Please continue to keep us all up to date and know that you are loved and prayed for by so many.
Love you, OLD friend. (Oh yeah, we’re the same age. Crud.) 🙂
Thanks Ginny! I think my “aging” is about to commence with the chemo treatments! It’s so encouraging to receive support from friends from long ago.
Hi Hunter! Ajay Singadia passed along your blog and I wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers. I spent some time at Vanderbilt and think your ortho oncology surgeon may be one of my classmates — Dr. Jennifer Halpern? She is that rare combination of a brillant mind, a talented surgeon and a kind and compassionate person. I thought it might be of some comfort to know that I know her personally and can say without a doubt, she will care for you like you are her own family. As an aside, I also spent about 10 years in the military medical corps (Air Force, not Army — much more wimpy, I know (: ) so if there is anything I can do to help you navigate the military medical system down the road, please let me know. At the very least, I have good restaurant recommendations near Brooke Army and Walter Reed Med Centers (:
Thinking of you and your family,
Sylvia
Thank you Sylvia! Great hearing from you. I hope you and your family are well. As I wrote to Ginny, support from old friends is so helpful in situations like these.
My surgeon is Dr. Holt. I haven’t run across Jennifer, but will mention you if I do. I’ll reiterate how lucky we are to be at Vanderbilt during this crisis. Thank you for the “in” with the military medical system. After things settle down, and I finish grad school, I may have to work with them for follow ups, etc. I’ll contact you for help!
Hi Hunter — I’m stunned to hear of your diagnosis, and my heart goes out to you and your family. Your ability to write through it and to be so wise and thoughtful is exactly the person I remember. I look forward to your posts and to pulling for you throughout the process. I know you will not only overcome the many obstactles you face, but that you will thrive!
Thanks Laura! It is still shocking. I don’t think it ever won’t be. I appreciate the support and the nice comment about writing through it. I’ve never kept a blog before (never had a reason to!), and so far the results have been overwhelmingly healing. Comments like yours help us maintain hope. Thanks again. Best to you and your family.
Hunter, I don’t know if this will go through – I’m a bit challenged with this way of communication; I don’t have your e-mail.
Your mom called us tonight with the news. It hit us in the pit of the stomach. I copied your blog which MA sent us two days ago. I read it to Betty. It was so solid. You face the issues head on. You do not mince words. You adhere to the realities.
All we can do is to pray for the best outcome. Do know with are with you and Jenn and the boys in prayer.
You have always been and are still close to us since the beginning.
Betty and I send our enduring love.
Uncle Cliff
Hello Uncle Cliff. You have been successful with the post! Thanks for the support and nice comments about my words. Once things settle down, we will come see you and Betty. I know you will have an interest in the prosthesis!