Hi everyone
Jenn drove me home from the hospital on Saturday. Before we left, we actually had time to ourselves for a couple of hours while waiting on the release order. We talked at length about one of the more frightening aspects of this whole ordeal: me dying sooner rather than later. I still don’t even want to assign actual numbers to the abstract terms “sooner and later.” I’ve mentioned it a couple of times in the blog, but Jenn and I had not really sat and talked about it. I know we still have a long journey full of scans, diagnoses, difficulty reading doctors’ faces, fear and relief. But, while it’s not easy, Jenn and I believe that simply talking about difficult issues diminishes their ability to instill trepidation in us. What’s going on in Jenn’s head about an issue is usually much different than what’s going on in mine. It’s no different for a cancer diagnosis. And if one of the goals is to reduce distress and chaos throughout this, we need to know what the other person is thinking. Getting the issue out of our own heads, where the actual problems related to the issue are often magnified and distorted from the facts, into the open is always helpful for us. It’s never easy, but the end result is usually relief and much less stress. We seized the opportunity. It was hard but we did it. We cried…again a lot. We hugged hard. Obviously it’s not something that anyone wants to put thought to, but our hand has been forced. And, like all issues that need resolving, this one did not seem as upsetting after we talked about it, honestly, openly without holding anything back.
The pain level in Short Round has significantly increased over the last few days. The phantom pains seem to be leveling off, but now pain in the limb itself is apparent. One of the tools for pain that the doctors used was two catheters running on the inside and outside of Short Round respectively. The catheters were steadily delivering some sort of nerve block solution to two primary nerves. Unfortunately, I had to remove them on Sunday and it was then I realized just how well they were working! There is a lot of pain now. If I keep Short Round immobilized it’s not too bad. But if I get up and move around, I can feel everything shifting inside and it’s painful. I didn’t feel this with the nerve block, which explains my successful laps on the walker/hopper around the hospital. Now, I’m having trouble watching anything funny on television because laughing hurts too much! However, this too shall pass.
I love being around my family. My boys are nothing but energy and fun, but sometimes giving them enough attention is exhausting. My folks are still here to help with everything from laundry to making meals to just being around the children when I’ve had enough.
My days now consist of lying in bed either watching television or reading and just letting the healing happen. If you have experienced this lifestyle or know someone who has, it’s not easy. Our society has evolved to a point where simply lying around is not easy. There is always something to distract from being bored or someone to talk to. I want to just get up and walk/hop around the house. Unfortunately, doing that seems to aggravate Short Round and I need to quickly lie down again. I’m also realizing everyday tasks that I once had control over are now not completely mine anymore. After a long day of lying in bed yesterday, and a restless night’s sleep, I wanted to shave this morning. But I didn’t just want to shave. I wanted to exhibit just a little autonomy in this helpless situation. Jenn could have easily assisted me with it, but I needed to feel that I could something with just a bit of significance by myself. I hopped into the bathroom with my walker/hopper and sat sideways in front of the sink. I should have inventoried what I needed because I couldn’t reach anything and didn’t want to get back up to retrieve them. Luckily my 3 year old was around to gather materials for me that were once out of the conscious region of my thinking process. I do feel somewhat fortunate in the thought that this is temporary. Once I’m vertical again with my prosthesis, I can push thinking effort back to the subconscious so I don’t have to think about shaving again. I can just do it.
After I finished my little victory (yes, still with the aid of my son), I got up on my walker/hopper to shuffle back to bed. Catching myself in the mirror, I noticed Short Round, wrapped up and kind of just dangling there. It took me by surprise again, my missing leg. It’s gone. I see it not with sadness and what I’m missing, but as my new reality. My new normal, as a friend quoted on the blog. My new normal won’t consist of the pain and discomfort that accompanies healing. It will be getting up at 3 AM to use the bathroom and cursing because the boys misplaced my leg. It will be a hurried feeling in the house as I search for my running leg to get in a run before work. It will be sitting on the couch with Jenn, after the boys are asleep, watching Dexter, and not even thinking about my leg. It will be taking the boys to the playground. The new normal is a goal well worth whatever I have faced or am going to face.
Things have settled down a little bit since I first started this blog. I’m going to take a break for the next week or so and just allow more healing. Since not much will be happening until I get back to the doctor (Nov 20th to get stitches out, and 21st starts physical therapy), I may be somewhat idle. However, please don’t hesitate to post or to ask me any questions.
It's Not a Sprint 
Hey Hunter! Glad you made back home safe and sound. You strength and courage in all of this is beyond impressive. We are all rooting for you. I hope your recovery goes well and progresses smoothly in the coming weeks. I just want to let you know that you have inspired to me to get running (again). I was using the c section and baby as an excuse to continue sitting on my butt but your battle has forced me up and out there on the trails, even if it is just for a quick 20min run before dark. I am thinking I will run an 8K race in December, and I hope I can run in your honor! Give my best to your family.
Sarah – I’m so glad you are running again. C section is no small thing but I’m glad I can get you going. When I run, and find it difficult to get out the door, I think of Soldiers who can’t or more injured folks than me and that always helps. This is only a temporary setback and I’ll be out there again soon enough! A December race is a good goal for you and please feel free to honor me in anyway you feel appropriate. I would be honored by your honor!
Glad to hear you are adjusting and settling into the new normal. Pretty soon you will be up and running. I am going to have to start training otherwise you will crush me during that 10-miler next year.
Please let me know if you need anything.
Thanks Stephen. How was the wedding? You’ll have to bring your new bride out to see us while I’m laid up.
Hey Hunter. My God you are a courageous guy. There are some other resources – folks who have been going thru something similar. Perhaps the link to today’s NYT’s article would be of interest and I don’t want to put it here. You have my DTRA address should you want to receive same. In our prayers and in His grip, Fred and Ellen
Thanks Fred. Saw the article and I appreciate the link. Interesting research on the horizon.
“My days now consist of lying in bed either watching television or reading and just letting the healing happen.”
You left out the part where you amaze and inspire us.
Andy – you should see me when my nerve medicine kicks in. I can barely form a sentence or coherent thought. Think of Pickett after the charge….
Hunter,
Thanks again for your posts. Keep up the dialogue with Jenn. I know great conversation can be healing. Your words continue to be just the right medicine for all of us following your blog. Glad to hear you are going to give Short Round some healing time. Give my love to all of your family.
Take care and God bless!
Mary
Thanks Mary!
You are one amazing dad, father, and friend! I feel your energy in your blog..it amazes me!! I feel like this neighborhood has become a family..my boys mention you in prayer every night…Colin is non stop about you! We are here for you and your family through every step. Where ever you go and where ever this lands you we are here for you all. We want to share the tears, laughter, whatever emotion comes around with you all!! I can not imagine the roller coaster of emotions you are going through! Keep the faith friend..God is a good God..in his eyes there is nothing but love towards you!! If you ever need someone to talk your ear off..Colin and i are available :-)!! Hugs!!!
Thanks Swatee. I think it’s really great about Colin. Please have him stop by if he wants to again. It sounds like this is quite an experience for him!
Hunter,
My heart goes out to you and Jenn!! I’m inspired by your positive attitude in the face of adversity. Please, please let me know if I can be any help at all.
Love,
Jenn D.
Thanks Jenn! Miss you guys. I was perusing through one of your notebooks before all this and came upon a part where you had borrowed some of my DNA. It was kind of weird reading it!
Hunter,
Rich and I are inspired by your positive attitude. We love you guys and you are in our prayers. Can you please email Rich your address and phone number when you get a moment? Please send our love to Jenn and the boys.
Thanks Jadelle. I’ll send it to you on FB.
Hi Hunter, I know this is long, but I thought it was very relevant and I really thought you’d get something from the last statement. I got it from rbc.com:
At Risk For The Savior
November 12, 2012
Our Daily Bread is hosted by Les Lamborn
READ: Philippians 2:25-30
Hold such men in esteem; because for the work of Christ he came close to death. —Philippians 2:29-30
During basic training, Desmond Doss irritated his drill instructor and fellow soldiers. A pacifist by conviction, he refused to carry a weapon into battle, and this made his peers doubt his courage. Trained as a medic, the young Christian had no qualms about facing combat. But his goal was to save lives.
Doubts about Doss would change, however, when his military unit faced combat. During the World War II Battle of Okinawa, he ducked under machine gun fire to pull the wounded to safety. He prayed, “Lord, give me the strength to save just one more wounded soldier.” Eventually he lowered more than 70 injured men down a hill for further medical attention. For his efforts, Desmond Doss was awarded the Medal of Honor—the highest honor his country could bestow.
Scripture tells of another Christian who took great personal risks to help others. Of Epaphroditus, Paul wrote, “Hold such men in esteem; because for the work of Christ he came close to death, not regarding his life” (Phil. 2:29-30).
Around the world today, many believers risk their lives for the cause of Christ. Let’s pray that our God will protect them as they serve Him under threatening circumstances. —Dennis Fisher
O Lord, listen to our cry for mercy; in Your faithfulness
come to the relief of those who are in danger because of
their faith. For Your name’s sake, preserve their lives;
in Your righteousness, bring them out of trouble.
Courage is not having strength to go on—it is going on when you don’t have the strength.
Andrea
Thanks Andrea. I like that story and the quotes are very uplifting.
Thanks for the update as you and your family are often in our thoughts these days. If you have reading time these days I recommend reading Coleman Bark’s translations of Rumi, a 13th century mystic poet. Here’s a quote to get you started:
Keep Knocking
and the joy
inside
will eventually
open a window
and look to
see who is there.
Much love to you all, Suzan Carter.
Thanks Suzan. I haven’t read too much poetry, but that certainly looks like a good start. I’ll check it out.
Dear Hunter,
Being at you mom and dad’s every Tuesday for the last 18 years makes us family. Your blog has shown me what I felt I already knew and that is what a wonderful person you are! I will be praying daily for you and your family. I found this quote from General Patton, “Pressure makes diamonds”. You are shining already!
Love, Sherry
Thanks Sherry. I can’t wait to meet you in person! My folks (and now Jenn) have nothing but wonderful things to say about you.
Hunter,
I’ve been followinging your blog, and to say it’s inspirational would be an understatement. Admiral James Stockdale, who survived 8 years as a prisoner of war in Vietnam, reportedly said “You must never confuse faith that you will will prevail in the end – which you can never afford to lose – with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.” If you don’t exemplify the ability to surmount this challenge, I don’t know who is. You’re a great man, part of a wonderful and supporting family. Keep on keepin’ on!
Meade
Hey Meade – That quote really hit home for me. It encompasses reality into the staying positive aspect of this experience. Thanks for posting!
Hunter,
Bill M just told me about your situation, well it is better late than never to catch up on the news. I truly feel sad for your situation in so many ways. We just lost one of our friends down here in NC, Larry Boivin. We truly never know just how much time we have or what curves we might have to embrace. We will keep you and your family in our prayers. It appears you are in good spirits and have a great support group.
On a slightly different note, I wanted to let you know about the Applanix system you built for us, it still works very well and I use it often. While it is not on the for front of the battlefield, it is used to verify lower end systems and thus became the government baseline product we use, thanks for your leadership and excellence on a job well done. I actually walked two tunnels last year on the US-Mexico border to show ICE-BCP where the state of the art was.
As many have told you, we are cheering for you during these trying times. I believe God allows things to happen for a reason, although we often don’t quite understand them at the time as well as sometime wish he might have chosen another to use as his spokesman. Strength is gained by perseverance and the true character of a man is fully wielded into his true person heart.
It is hard to have the words to express my thoughts and feelings when things happen outside our understanding but I feel it a true blessing to have shared time with you with laughs and fond memories.
All my best,
Greg Spurlock
Hey Greg! I’m glad the blog has found you. Your words mean so much to me as I feel privileged and honored to have worked with you as well. Thank you for the post and thoughts and prayers. They are uplifting. I’m terrible sorry about Larry. I believe I met him once? I hope his family and friends are coping.
Great news about the GPS! That was one of my favorite projects during my tenure.