Hi everyone
I’m still pretty much laid up in bed and I won’t lie, there has been a significant amount of pain. The phantom pains are not letting up. I thought they had subsided a little, but they returned with all their phantomness and a little more. When I was in middle school, our mascot was a Phantom. Maybe it was a foreshadow? Describing the phantom pain is both fascinating and disheartening. When it is really bad, I have sharp pain in my index and middle toes on my non-existent foot. Those have been around for a while. My left lower leg feels like it is tied around my thigh and someone is pushing on the sole of my foot with a rolling pin. I also experienced a new pain yesterday – a Charlie horse in my left calf (the non-existent one.) Whoo-hoo! That was fun! I’ve read stories and blogs of unfortunate folks whose pain persisted for years. For me and my family, I certainly hope that is not the case. I am communicating this not just to whine, but also to convey what an amputee might go through after surgery especially the phantom pain. Disrupted sleep also becomes the new normal. I wake up several times a night and take meds. But I’m realizing something else with all this pain. This is really the first time in my life that I’ve had to deal with significant pain on a daily basis for a long period of time. Pain management includes of course lots of pills. But for me it also includes meditation. Through meditation, I am able to control my mind and put it in another place – in a past memory, in something my imagination generates, or at work. I can put my mind almost anywhere. And remarkably that takes the phantom pains away. It’s not long lasting and only persists as long as I’m meditating. But it is a powerful weapon against pain. I can live with the pain, as long as I know that eventually it’s going to diminish. I think most of us fear the idea of pain more than the actual pain itself which generates stress and anxiety. Most of us have heard the saying that pain is just weakness leaving the body. That may be true of folks who are attempting to better themselves through exercise, but long term, chronic pain is a lot of weakness leaving the body! And I’m not seeing the benefits of exercise once this pain is gone.
I started meditating last December to learn how to relax and reduce stress a little more than just vegging in front of the TV. I read a short book (Mindfulness in Plain English by Bhante Gunaratana. $10 on Amazon) that outlined the basics and also explained what meditation is and isn’t. I told myself I would do it for a month, 30 minutes a day and just see if it had any impact. After the first two weeks I could already detect a difference in my relaxation abilities and after a month I was hooked. I even splurged for a meditation cushion that Jenn refers to as my tuffet! I have pretty much kept the same routine of 30 minutes a day, when I can, since December and have seen astonishing results. Meditation allows me to relax, but more importantly, it allows me to suppress the “monkey mind” or “mind chatter” that use to plague my thoughts through the day. It increases my mindfulness, which is the ability to separate myself from life experiences and see the experience with a detached objectivity. It allows me to separate important thoughts from the not-so-important ones. It has given me the knowledge and skill of how to truly live life in the moment and to see the incredible beauty of everyday objects and experiences. It also has allowed me to powerfully recall suppressed memories and life experiences, both good and bad, from childhood and adulthood, and then cope with those memories if needed in a healthy manner. Meditation has increased my empathy and compassion, patience and peace and has filled a void that I was unaware needed filling. Before meditation, I certainly would not have labeled myself as a lost soul. Life was wonderful and I was very happy and would not have complained about too much. Meditation just gave me a tool that prioritized my life in an unexpected manner. I’m certainly no expert and haven’t started ordering my Buddhist monk robes yet, but it is something that has allowed me to see, and more importantly cope with reality in a simple and effective manner. When the reality of cancer entered my life, I truly believe that my ability to see the truth of it, accept it, and quickly begin to deal with it can be attributed to the skills that meditation taught me. It’s like anything though. There are good meditation days and bad meditation days. But the overall benefits that accumulate through daily practice changed my life in so many positive ways. If you would like to know more about it, please let me know and I’ll probably go on and on!
My physical therapist came by twice this week. She showed me exercises that help strengthen Short Round to prepare for a prosthetic and also prevent my hip flexor from tightening from too much bed rest. She forewarned me to take my pain medication an hour prior to her arrival – not exactly what I wanted to hear. In the end though, the exercises weren’t too bad and helped me move around a bit more. I’m glad the physical therapy has started. I wasn’t sure how much movement I should be doing with Short Round. In addition to the wound closure, there are sutures inside as well. I don’t want to disturb them too much. So when the therpist said I could walk around on crutches, lift Short Round and basically do all types of exercises, it was as if she gave me permission to move and I went to town. Probably too much that first day though. My leg was in a lot of pain that night. I’ve attempted to discern the pattern of what generates the phantom pains. I think basically the more I move my leg early in the day the more it will hurt that night.
For Thanksgiving, my sister and her two daughters are coming up this week to join my folks who are still here helping out. The boys can’t wait to see their cousins. I have two appointments this week – one to remove the stitches and the other to get blood drawn and see if my heart is strong enough to start chemo after Thanksgiving. Because of the full support of several visitors, but more importantly the boys and their wonderful, child attitudes, our home is still overflowing with positivity and hope as we transition into the next part of this experience – chemo. Thank you everyone for your continued support, prayers and thoughts!
P.S. I have to include this experience from last night. My beautiful, supportive, and caring wife was double checking my nightstand last night to ensure I had all the necessary equipment, water, and medication to make it through the night. I told Jenn I was looking forward to watching “Amadeus” and being distracted for a few hours. Jenn smiled lovingly, bent over to kiss my forehead, and whispered, “You sure you don’t want to watch “My Left Foot?”, then laughed her way out of the room. I love her.
Hunter
It's Not a Sprint 
Hunter,
Thanks for sharing. Can’t imagine what you are going through, but your outlook on it, as well as your ways to deal with it, are inspirational. I hope that you have a fabulous holiday with your family!
Hunter,
It’s exciting to check the email inbox and find that you have updated your blog. I’m sure every agrees that once we begin reading, we are glued to the screen adsorbing every word until the end. I really think once things settled down, you should consider a daily inspirational blog. I have no doubt it would be a huge success. And to read about your meditation now is just as fascinating as hearing you talk about it on the train when you first began reading about it last year. It is difficult to read about your pain but it is temporary and before you know it, short round will have a helper leg to get you back to your daily routines and that will be so exciting to hear about. I think about you and your family every day and send out prayers and positive thoughts to hopefully help in some small way to get you guys back to a normal life. Once again, The Holidays are here and it’s a time to give thanks and embrace family and friends. So I hope you all feel the love like you’ve never felt it before. Laugh and cry and let it all in. Write only if you feel up to it and again, if you or Jenn need anything at all, please don’t hesitate to call.
Ken
Thanks Ken! You’re right in that the Holidays should make this go a little faster.
Jack and I have been reading your blogs and you are such an inspiration. You are in my prayers and for a long time I have believed in the power of positive thinking and alternative healing with the aid of modern medicines. We were so sorry not to talk with you and Jenn at the reception for Jolene and Jimmy. I was the one with the heat induced migraine, that flew in the shuttle van doing about 60 mph, down that mountain. I am also in pain management in Atlanta, for my back. I have a spinal cord stimulator implanted in my epidural space to try to interrupt the pathway of pain to my brain. This is made by Boston Scientic, so the technology is quite advanced. In studying for this option of pain control, I found that the SCS is extremely helpful for phantom pain, after amputations. They didn’t think this would help my type of pain, but I was more than willing to try the test trial. It has been successful but as I’m aging and with more arthritis etc. it isn’t as helpful. I’m just giving you info, as I certainly know that you are on the right pathway and with your attitude, all things are possible. To be honest, you are giving me a good dose of the right attitude!! Before you made your condition known, Jenn had posted a picture of you and Jackson(I think it was him, not Ben) out in nature, having a very loving, tender moment. I told Jenn that she was a very lucky woman and now, I know you two were a match made in heaven.
Thank you for such inspiring blogs, Sharon
Thanks Sharon. That sounds like interesting technology. I’ll definitely keep it in mind if the pain persists. And thank you for the kind words about Jenn. I always consider myself the lucky one!
Hi Hunter,
Always inspiring to read your posts. Something to offer as far as post surgery advice, though, mine was nothing compared to yours. I was very tired after my surgery, though I think it was more the effects of 12 hrs of anesthesia!! 🙂 I found that I eventually had to force myself not to nap during the day, though I was so tired. This did help with sleeping at night. Also, since you already meditate, you may find Healing Touch helpful. Jenn can even do this for you. You can read up on this, but basically it is a person relaxing the body of another from top of head to the toes, one part at a time, through relaxation techniques. Then they would slowly glide their hands along the body barely touching them. When you get to an area with pain (whether headache, should pain, back pain, etc…) there is almost a magnetic force between the body and the barely touching hands (like putting opposite sides of magnets together and feeling the force between them.) Then they would do a “sweeping motion” to wipe the pain away, or draw it out of the area that has the pain. I was taught how to do these techniques in nursing school, and have used them many times when working as a nurse, especially in OB. Best thing is, as with relaxation and meditation, you do not have to be licensed to do it. I hope this helps. Jadelle
That sounds interesting Jadelle. I’ll check it out. Thanks!
Thank you, Hunter.
Good to see you found meditation. I find that I can control certain things through meditation. For instance, If I am stuffed up and meditate on opening my nasal passages I can actually clear it up. If I get could while sleeping and know it isn’t actually that cold in the house I meditate on feeling warm an that also works.
The mind is more powerful than we can even imagine.
We’ll keep you and your family in our prayers.
It is powerful Tim. I’ve been really amazed at how annoyances are less so even during times of not meditating because of the accumulation of resistance. I’ll have to remember the cold part. Where / when did you learn how?
Hunter,
Thanks for sharing both your bright moments and the painful ones. You are truly showing how a positive outlook and loving family can help one cope with a life-changing condition. I hope you and your family have an enjoyable (and relatively pain-free!) Thanksgiving! –Chris
Thanks Chris! It was a good Thanksgiving. I hope yours was good as well!
Hunter,
Your insights on meditation are interesting and helpful. Mike’s uncle died early Saturday morning while we were with him at home and I certainly am suffering from what you call “monkey mind”. That phrase is very apropos. I think everyone who knows you will find more meaning and depth in their own life because of your expeperience and your willingness to share you emotions and strategies as you proceed down this diffucult path. It puts all of our problems into perspective – but I think I speak with everyone when I say I wish you weren’t the one to bring these issues to light! Stay strong and good luck adapting and dealing with the phantom pains.
Thanks Hailey! I wish I wasn’t the one either! But if I have to be, then I’m glad my experiences are helpful. It’s helpful to me to share them!
Thanks Hunter. One thing that might help with the pain is to stop lying in bed watching chick flicks. If you want I can lend you my Die Hard DVDs.
What’s Die Hard ? 🙂
Hunter – I just talked to Stephen Davis, and he told me he had just returned from a visit to see you. We talked about you, and he directed me to your blog. I can hear in your postings, so clearly, the positivity I admired in AP Chem. You are in my prayers, Hunter, and I wish for you and your family the happiest of holiday seasons.
With love, Amy
Hi Amy! Great to hear from you! I hope things are going well for you. Thank you for the kind words and prayers.
Hello Hunter, this is Manuel.
I am following your blog and see how you are such an inspiration to so many, including myself. Your faith, love, and positivity are gifts that will carry you through this. Stay strong, and know that we are all pulling for you and asking God everyday to help you get stronger. Enjoy your beautiful family on this gorgeous sunny day of Thanksgiving. I am giving thanks for knowing such a great guy!
Manuel and Pilar Treus
Hey Manuel! I appreciate the kind words and support. Thanksgiving was good! I look forward to seeing you at USMA soon!